The third party
Performed at the Shunt Cabaret, Bethnal Green, London, 20 July 2002
Performed by Gemma Brockis & Heather Uprichard. Foley by Tom Espiner
Directed by Glen Neath
lights up
1 and 2 stand next to each other throughout, motionless
all the actions are described by the foley artist
footsteps. a knock on door. the door opens
1 – i’m here
2 – we’ll have to get you a set of keys cut
pause
1 – i’ve arrived
2 – come in
door closes
2 – where have you come from?
1 – in order to come here and be with you i’ve had to leave everything behind. my past. all hopes i had for my future. . .
2 – i understand that must be a difficult thing to do
1 – . . . the amorous attentions of a third party
2 – what?
panting
2 – have you come from your mothers?
1 – yes
leaving everything behind is a difficult thing to do
ok i admit i’ve kept a little bit of it with me
2 – what bit?
1 – i’m carrying this piece of furniture because it was given to me by my mother on her deathbed
2 – i was going to ask you about that
1 – were you?
2 – yes
what is it? what would you call it? a chair?
1 – it’s a table
2 – of course
but you know it doesn’t go with my scheme
1 – it’s mahogany
everything you own is mahogany
2 – i was going to say it was pine
tears
2 – i’m sorry. we’ll find a place for it
1 – i’m crying about my mother. . .
2 – of course
1 – . . . and missed chances maybe
2 – what?
1 – with the third party
2 – what?
panting
2 – well now you have to put it all behind you
1 – i’ve been thinking about that
2 - so how are you going to forget?
1 – if i let this piece of furniture go i shall finally be rid of my past
door opens and closes. running footsteps. grunt as 1 throws the table in the lake
2 – does that feel better?
1 – no. unfortunately i still remember
i used to have this piece of furniture that my mother gave me on her deathbed and i threw it in the lake
2 – that’s right. i was there
1 – why didn’t you stop me?
2 – you were determined
1 – now i miss my mother and i miss the piece of furniture that i used to help console myself with her loss
running footsteps. springboard. 1 jumps in the lake to rescue it
2 – don’t do that. come back. you cant swim
splashing, gasps for air
2 – thank god for that. you’re saved. i thought you were going to drown
1 – it was trapped in the seaweed on the bottom. i left it for the fishes
2 – oh
1 - but it was another tug on my fraying heartstrings
twang of breaking heartstring
2 – get over it
bitterness kills any chance of a second chance. open your heart
1 rips open chest and pulls out beating heart
2 – you are a cunt
1 – who do you know who can do this?
2 – nobody but you
1 – i wanted to show you
2 – i have misty eyes
now put it back
a zip
1 – incidentally i am sorry
2 – what for?
1 – i have become involved with a third party
2 – i can’t forgive you
1 – don’t misunderstand me
2 – i will not. i cannot. i can’t. i won’t. i couldn’t. i shouldn’t. i oughtn’t
1 – don’t misunderstand me
2 – give me. . . lift me up on your back
1 – climb on. we shall run we shall fly
2 – just carry me to the shop at the end of the street. i want a bag of salt and vinegar crisps
grunts as 2 gets onto 1’s back and 1 carries her
1 – you weigh a ton. you’ll have to get off
2 – you must be carrying a guilty secret. i am as light as a feather
do you want anything?
1 – no
2 - wait here. i shall need a ride home
shop bell. whistling to pass the time. shop bell
1 – listen while you’ve been in there i’ve been thinking. have i done the right thing?
crisps being munched, mumbling
1 – was i right to give up everything?
crisps being munched, mumbling
1 – what do you think? all i need is a few comforting words from you
crisps being munched, mumbling. shop bell and simultaneous call of: oy!
2 – run!
running footsteps. door opens
2 - shut the door!
door closes
1 – phew
that’s the way to build up an appetite
what have we got for tea?
2 – i’m not
1 – i’m
2 – hungry
1 – starving
2 – i’ve had a lovely
1 – we seem to be
2 – bag of crisps
1 – out of synch
2 – i am satisfied
1 – i said we seem to be out of synch
2 – i am sated
1 – i hope this is going to work out ok
2 – i’m full up with it
1 – i hope this is going to work out
2 – what?
1 – didn’t you hear me?
pause
1 – didn’t you hear? i said i hope this is going to work out
2 – shh
1 – what?
2 – shh
what was that?
1 – what?
2 – didn’t you hear?
1 – what?
2 – it sounded like someone approaching
1 – no
2 – it definitely sounded like someone approaching
1 – do you think they’ll approach again?
footsteps
2 – you heard it that time?
1 – yes
2 – who is it?
1 – how would i know?
2 – are you expecting anyone?
1 – no. nobody knows i’m here except my dead mother on her deathbed
knock on door
2 – (calls) who is it?
(to 1) who is it?
1 – how would i know?
2 – who the hell could it be?
knock on door
2 – (calls) hello
is it the third party?
1 – what?
2 - maybe it’s the third party
1 – what?
2 – go and answer it
door opens
2 – who is it?
1 – theres nobody here
2 – theres nobody there?
1 – they’ve left a package
2 – a what?
1 – a parcel. on the door step
2 – what is it?
1 – how would i know?
it’s a parcel. its wrapped up
2 – bring it in
door closes
2 – open it then
wrapping paper being removed
2 – what is it?
1 – theres another layer
2 – what?
1 – theres another layer of paper underneath
2 – who’s it from?
1 – how would i know?
2 – maybe it’s from the third party
1 – what?
2 – you heard me
1 – what?
2 – open it then
wrapping paper being removed
1 – there’s another layer
2 – open it. open it
wrapping paper being removed.
foley artist has opened the parcel and revealed a miniature table, holds it up to admire it
2 – well?
1 – there’s another bloody layer
2 – theres another layer?
1 – yes
2 – open it
(shouts) open it
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